 It's not just the sun that makes this image beautiful. It's the fog that had settled over the park in the early morning, and the trees that blocked the sun as it started to rise and burn off that mist. We might wake up in a morning and see the fog outside the window and feel the grayness of that, feel the disappointment that the sun isn't shining in that moment. But sometimes if we wait and pay attention, we’ll see that that thing, that mist, that greyness is part of what ultimately will create beauty in that day, as it interacts with the sun and the trees, the grass. As we allow the world and the light to spread through. But it's the combination that creates this effect. Not when the fog is all gone, not when the sun is high above the trees but this moment, when they all come together in an act of beauty .... Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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Pandemic sent me into isolation away from my home, out of my neighbourhood and community. Although as a caregiver I am not by myself here, I often feel alone. There have been moments when this has sent me scrolling through social media, drawn in to the often mundane-aity of what other people deem important to share, looking for gems of insight or connection until, in sudden awareness of passing time and drained energy I pull myself out. That’s what it actually feels like, that I have to take my arm and draw myself away. I’ve learned that intentional solitary moments are when I feel least alone. When I create an altar, light a candle and draw in, everything shifts. I am companioned by Breath, by Self, by Presence and hours can go by. I come away from those times refreshed, renewed and often with helpful insight. And my camera. My camera draws me into relationship with the world. Even before I put viewfinder to eye its presence in my hand focusses my attention. I am more aware of what’s going on around me, the play of the light, dynamics of interaction, the poetry that is everywhere. Sometimes I can capture that and sometimes it is for that moment only and not to be held electronically. It is held, none-the-less, as an encounter as nourishing as a chat with a friend or time with a mentor.
Both of these activities have been curtailed with a broken foot. In meditation I prepare my altar on the floor and sit seiza1 which I cannot do right now. And walking the camera has become more challenging with one active leg and crutches. Somehow I’ve allowed this to prevent engagements which do not hinge on either. I could learn to meditate propped up on the bed. And the camera is as content in the yard as the beach; it is I who feels a need for what seems a more exciting location. In the same way we’ve learned to adapt our interactions with each other, I can learn to adapt these ones. Although different than sharing a meal together, telephone and video calls and walks where we are further apart have kept us connected. Yesterday my longest held friends from the old neighbourhood gathered on video conferencing as we’ve done throughout pandemic. We each now live in different cities and generally have connected all together only once or possibly twice a year. Meeting on-line over the past 8 months has made us wonder why we never did that before. Meditation draws me out by drawing me inward. Photography draws me in by calling me to engage outward. Both require intention and attention. And so I’m recommitting to these powerful acts of connection. I’m determined to let go of the things that are ultimately secondary and draw back to what is central, draw back to attention and simple connection. 1Seiza is kneeling on the floor with feet tucked under. Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.  I’m watching the way that my right leg floats to the top of the bathwater even while my left leg rests gently on the bottom of the tub. This tells me that since I broke that bone in my foot, that this leg has .... lost perhaps some muscle and that the left leg has picked that up as it bears the weight of my whole body. There was a time when those two things were switched. Twenty years ago when I had my left hip replaced it was the right leg that bore the weight for the whole body. And really before that it took a lot of the excess and even still I probably still use it a little bit more. It's also my dominant foot. So in this moment when I can put no weight on my right side, the left is doing something that it has never had to do before. Carry a whole load. It’s just an interesting thing for me to think about how much that models just moments of life. Where sometimes we rely on something more than other times, when perhaps in a relationship or in a moment we are the one that bears the weight and in a moment we are the one that has to say I need you to help me. It’s a lesson that I learned both then and again, to say yes when people offer to help, to actually ask when people say let me know if there's anything I can do. A kind neighbor has picked up a few things at the drugstore for me. My dad took me to an appointment. And a friend who was coming to do a task in the house also picked me up from another appointment where I had cabbed to, and brought me back .... .... Life is like that I guess, even in our whole selves we nurture children, we carry them and lift them and there may come a day like the one I'm living in where I am caring for my father-in-law .... .... There are moments when even as adults we turn back towards our parents looking for their comfort, their advice perhaps, or just their listening ear. And other times when we are the listening ear. I don't know why in our culture it has become so hard to ask for help to, um, we seem to value the doers, the givers, without recognizing that it becomes both one sided and kind of .... I’m not sure what the word is but I'm thinking of patriarchal or .... When we will only offer and not receive, it's as if our offering is for us and not for the other. We .... become the great saviors of her own story the superhero. And in our cultural myth the superhero doesn't need to be rescued. And it's not even about rescue it's just about life. It's about give-and-take. It’s about offer and receive .... I have to learn not to put weight on my right foot because it will heal if I don't put weight on it, if I don't further damage the break or misalign the bone. And if I do, because I refuse to consider that that foot doesn't work or that foot can't offer in this moment, then I risk damaging it and ultimately it will be out of commission for much longer. And I think we're just the same. Learning the lessons, and I say this as someone who learns this lesson over and over and over. And I am grateful, I have to say, for the people who patiently offer, say yes when I ask. Look at me in bemusement when I think I can do it myself. But are standing by for when I say, “Actually can you help me with this?” Blessed be.  People often ask why someone would use drugs knowing the risk of the tainted drug supply. I don't have an answer for that. But in this moment I have a bit of an understanding, perhaps. I'm feeling the ache of my own body in this time of isolation, this deep yearning that is almost an ache in my joints, in my bones, for human contact, for a skin-to-skin hug. To be able to smell the musk of another person. And if that opportunity arose for me right now would I take it even knowing the risks of how this virus spreads .... ? We're in what they’re calling the 2nd wave of the pandemic right now when numbers are going up and our medical officers have said that the main cause of that is gatherings, celebrations mostly, weddings or funerals, Thanksgiving dinners. And someone looking on this time might wonder how it is that knowing the disease was out there people still gathered .... And people gather because they long to be together. And they can tell themselves that it won’t be them, perhaps. Just like the addict doesn't know what may or may not be tainted in the drug supply. But their deep ache, their longing to not feel the pain .... Will make them take that risk. I think the deep ache and longing that people feel to be together right now even knowing that the gathering could be tainted that there could be a vector in the gathering. Because we don't know, we can't see it, we don't expect it .... And maybe for me it's just as well that it's unlikely that the opportunity for such an intimate encounter will present itself, particularly when I'm here in isolation .... .... Because, as I say, if there was an opportunity for something to soothe that ache I would probably take it ....  Listen to Full moon walk or read below. I imagined a quiet full moon walk. But street lights and fireworks kyboshed that idea. Here in the city it's hard to find darkness. And here on a watched border in particular. And yet, I can hear an owl in the distance, on the other side of the forbidden park. Ahh, the sound of that owl delights me and fills me with a kind of hopefulness .... .... As if the owl is saying “We will prevail. We’re here. I’m here.” It’s calling to the full moon. And it keeps calling, despite the fireworks. It keeps calling. |
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