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Kimiko Karpoff - Presence
This morning I spent an hour and a 1/2 walking with Bill step-by-step through the tasks required to get fully undressed and into a shower while I washed his clothing. This once probably mindless kind of task, the thing that we would do every single morning without any thought at all, was literally a step-by-step process.
Take off your watch. Yes put it there. If we both know where you put it then we'll know where to find it later.
Take off your belt. Yes your belt holds your pants up but we need to take your pants off to put them in the laundry.
Step-by-step.
I realize, too, that my own broken foot gives me a little bit more of an understanding of how challenging something that is seemingly simple can be. (Laugh) When, when we were done and I had made Bill a sandwich and a fresh cup of coffee and he came into the kitchen he said, “Phew! Well that was something!” (More laughter)
And I kind of understood. Because sometimes when I do a task right now, that in another moment would have taken very little time and little effort or thought, I do have to think it through step-by-step, and figure out how to accomplish it. And it is more actual work ....
So this Sunday morning when often I would take time in the morning and sit in a more quiet meditation by myself, was spent in a different kind of what really did feel like a spiritual practice that reminded me ....that connection is personal. That it's not enough to just simply say “take a shower,” but to accompany him to do that. And it felt gracious and even holy to be part of that this morning. And humbling. So humbling ....
All of us will reach a time in our lives, even if it's only a moment, when everything shifts. For me it shifted when I came here to support Bill and it shifted again when I broke my foot .... .... But I am even grateful for this reminder this morning, that presence isn't simply about presence in this house, but presence to the needs of the other in the moment. We are called to presence. And while yes, presence with my personal spiritual practice is important, presence with Bill was more important this morning .... ....
#dementia #presence
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Kimiko Karpoff - Beginnings and boundaries
And so we come to a new beginning, one as mundane or significant as we choose to notice. One of many daily, moment by moment new beginnings ....
I wonder where this road goes. If we kept following it straight, even across borders and through waters, those artificial and very real delineators of spaces and countries, what would happen if we could just walk through. Where would we end up if no one was saying to us this is the end, this is the border, this is mine and that's yours. Don't cross without permission ....
I'm watching the birds fly back-and-forth giving entirely no regard to these artificial boundaries. Maybe as a new beginning I will look at my own artificial boundaries and, like a bird, just fly through them.
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How the Grinch, a virus, a star, and an environmental movement change us
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Kimiko Karpoff - alignments
I've been thinking about the Grinch and the lessons that we learn when he stole all the packages, the food for feasting, all the glitter of Christmas. And I've been thinking about that in the context of this moment of the Corona virus because in many ways, as we reflect back on this past 9 months, the Corona virus has felt a bit like the Grinch as we watched the Grinch removing all of the things that we think of as being essential to Christmas, essential to, I guess, a good celebration. Um, and then being left with the truth of things, which is that those are not the essential element of Christmas.
The Corona virus, too, has been stripping things away. Stripping away nonessential shopping and travel. Forcing us, or inviting us, into a time of quietude and reflection, of, in some ways back to basics. People were baking bread. I've observed families gathering in the park together, rather than in malls or in separate groups of specific ages, but all ages gathering together in the park. Stripping us back to what is essential, to our families and communities and looking out for each other. And being gifted with fresh air, skies that are clear, views of mountains that have not been seen for decades. Songbirds singing. Waters clearing.
It doesn't take away the truth of the hardship of this moment. But it is in hardship that we step into our moments of a truth, really. In the same way that both the Whovillians ....Whovillites?.... the people from Whoville did, and the Grinch did, when the excesses of Christmas were stripped away. Now, of course, at the end of the Grinch everything was returned, with a shift. And we're not gonna see that for this Christmas, for ourselves. But what remains is the essence of Christmas.
And I was thinking of that too in the context of the Christmas Star. The Christmas Star is the alignment of Jupiter and Saturn that happens once, not in decades, not even in generations, but in centuries, many centuries. That we can visibly see this alignment from here on Earth. At least you can if you don't live here on the west coast of BC where it's mostly been cloudy. But the alignment is there, that is the point. The Christmas Star calling us to the Prince of Peace, the Light of Christ, the Love birthed into the world.
When we are in alignment for the world, and hold that
for the healing of the world, and of our communities,
of our families and of ourselves,
then Love shines in the world.
And I'm thinking of it in terms of alignment because the Corona virus calls us into alignment. As does the Christmas star. And when we are in alignment for the world, and hold that for the healing of the world, and of our communities, of our families and of ourselves, then Love shines in the world .... ....
It's such a beautiful reminder. And I was also thinking about, O what is it now? a year, just over a year ago, when thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people around the world gathered to say “Enough! We have to do something or our Earth cannot survive.” And I believe that when we put that honest energy out into the World that the Universe listens. And even though, for the most part, we all then got back into our cars and went back to our jobs and went, you know, back to the ball, the universe heard us, and the universe provided us with the opportunity to do the very thing that politicians, and even ourselves really, never believed we really could do. Because it would cause too much pain, too much inconvenience. It wasn't even the pain people were concerned about. It's just, you know, we want what we want and we do our things.
But with the Corona virus we couldn't do that. Or we chose not to. We chose, all of us, sure with a lot of, uh, encouragement from our leaders who were suddenly spurred into action, to stay home when we could stay home, to only go out for essential things. And it has been hard, absolutely. And yet we have seen that we can, by doing that, change the world. I watched communities reach out and say “Oh, I know we've been saying for decades we can't really help the poor, we can't really support people.” And yet we have done that. We have done that on a grassroots level and we have done that on a government level. We have learned to bake bread. We have learned to speak to each other. We have used our technology for connection, for the ways it was intended, to do good, to help us stay connected.
All of this, this alignment, this universal response to our own deep desire that this Earth be well, that we be well. And we can continue to respond to that.
And this moment of Christmas calls us to continue to respond to that, to birth Love through our own selves into the World. To be the Light of the World. To Walk in Beauty.
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As we come to the centre of the labyrinth, it's time to take stock and prepare for the journey back out.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Labyrinth year
When we slipped into the time of pandemic, it was as if we stepped into a large labyrinth, a winding, maze-like rhythm of switchbacks and wondering whether we were going to get to the centre of it but then being switched to some other direction, in-and-out of that space. Labyrinths often feel like a maze but they are not mazes. They are elaborate singular paths that take us to the centre; that allow us to walk in reflection holding a question or a wondering or just noticing what we notice as we walk.
And now we are about to step in the centre. We are about to reach the heart of the labyrinth where all of our noticings, all of the things that have been revealed as we posed our questions, come to a point where we can hold them and see them. Maybe raising new questions and maybe things that we want to synthesize as we walk back the other direction ....
What is .... What is .... ? What is important? is a question that I think emerged as I walked the labyrinth. What is important? .... One of the answers that I hold as I step into the centre is to walk in beauty. And as I prepare to walk out of the centre I will wonder how do I, in this manifestation of both me and the Divine, in the unique way that I can hold it for the good of all creation, How do I walk in beauty?
Another question. What can I let go of? What things did it begin to feel like were so heavy or just unnecessary as I walked this journey in the labyrinth? Were there things that suddenly it just seemed like I was carrying them simply because at some point I had picked them up and they have been important, but maybe they're not important right now? What are those things ‘cause it feels like there were many. And as I step into the centre I will have an opportunity to really examine all of those things that have emerged. Some that I had put down maybe thinking those are temporary resting points. And maybe there are few things that I will pick back up, but maybe some things will just leave as they lie at this point. And maybe there were a few things that made it to the centre and as I look at them I realize I brought them here because I want to honour them, because I have valued them, perhaps I've learned from them, but I don't need to continue to carry the weight or the bulk or the discomfort of those things. And I can leave those aspects in the centre, trusting that the energy of them will simply absorb back into the Infinite Divine, carrying with it my gratitude. And I carry with it my learning ....
Labyrinths are a powerful spiritual practice. And I feel as if we were all drawn into this practice in 2020. And as we prepare to step from Christmas, from this birth of Hope and Love and Light of this new year into a calendar New Year .... That we have an opportunity to synthesize and to carry out with us only those things that are important. It's like going through the new doorway with a fresh start. Kicking off the dust of our shoes, or our feet, as we leave one town behind to go to the next. It's a moment of opportunity. And the thing about a labyrinth is that it takes as long to walk out of one as it did to walk in. And it is as windy on the way out as it was in. And so it will feel like we're stepping through to the other side many times before we actually do. And yet there is a singular path that takes us inextricably out to the other side. And we are at that turn ....
I am at that turn. And as I prepare to step into the centre of the labyrinth I am filled with Hope and Peace and Joy and Love ....and Light and Wondering. And I will reflect on that as I prepare for the journey back through. Blessed be ....
A rich spiritual practice and reflective journey, walking a labyrinth can help shift and synthesize energy and questions. Join Kimiko on a guided meditation Labyrinth Journey.
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Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
I am at that turn. And as I prepare to step into the centre of the labyrinth I am filled with Hope and Peace and Joy and Love ....and Light and Wondering. And I will reflect on that as I prepare for the journey back through. Blessed be ....
A rich spiritual practice and reflective journey, walking a labyrinth can help shift and synthesize energy and questions. Join Kimiko on a guided meditation Labyrinth Journey.
~
Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Yes, Blessed. Christmas will be. . .
Four years ago, at the beginning of November, it was clear that Paul was entering a different stage. He was in a lot of pain and it was during that time when we were trying to keep his pain managed that he went into palliative care. Initially we thought just for a short time, maybe the weekend or a little bit more than that, but then he would be coming home. And of course he never did come home. He did move from palliative care. He went from there to hospice.
So four years ago our world became much smaller and much more focused. It was held within a small room where people would come and visit, while we watched Paul's final journey take its course.
And somehow this morning it occurred to me that I broke my foot on the anniversary of that happening. And already in this time of drawing in and focussing, with the global pandemic, suddenly I had to draw in even further, and once again become much more present to this one place, to these particular four walls and to the one person who lives within them, besides myself, which is Paul's father, Bill.
In the same way that when we were in hospice I relied on people to bring things, to bring food, to bring connection. And we reached out to let people know, to stay in touch. We had a project we were working on which helped focus our attention as well. And now, once again, I'm reliving having to ask for help. Ask people to bring food. Having someone else do the laundry and some of the housework. In the same way that four years ago my parents would pick up my laundry from the hospice and bring food.
It was a time of focus. And it was a blessed time of focus. It really was. It was a time where we put our attention on Paul, on his music, his legacy .... And his comfort. And accompanied him, as much as you can accompany someone.
Christmas will be ....
And again there's a parallel to this moment. I can accompany Bill so far in his journey in dementia but you can walk along with someone, to some degree, but you can never experience exactly what they're experiencing. Particularly when they're on these kinds of journeys, because in many ways they've shifted to a different realm that we can't shift to at this point. They’re enough in the world that we can continue to see them and to interact and to walk beside, but their path is actually on a slightly different realm. And this time of having a broken foot, really in some ways puts me back in that moment, encourages me to focus in to this place. When I was starting to reach beyond him a little bit, to recognize that Bill needs more focussed support, more consistently. I cock my ears differently now, listening, as I used to do with Paul to just have at least a pulse on his breathing.
Christmas 2016 was surely a different Christmas. And lots of people are talking about how this Christmas is so different and the loss and lament about what it often is, and isn't. And for me it's, it's just a Christmas that of course is different but I've walked through a different Christmas before. And there was a lot a loss in that Christmas. But there was also connection. I remember, you know, just taking the step of asking my niece if she would bring turkey from the dinner that she was going to be having with her then boyfriend's family. And they gladly shared a turkey dinner with us. What a Blessing. And Finn and I ate that dinner sitting beside Paul. We were watching The Princess Bride. Paul was mostly snoozing and of course he couldn't eat.
But it is a memory that I hold on to. Not the happiest memory, perhaps, but certainly a cherished one. Because we were together and really that's what mattered in that moment. And this Christmas we will be together with Finn. He’s going to come and be here with us, with Bill and I. And the three of us will share our turkey dinner. And my parents will come and pick up some dinner and take it home to eat at their house. And Christmas will be ....
So this convergence of pandemic and broken foot has brought me to this moment, a moment of drawing even further in to the beauty of what is right in front of me. The things that matter. The love that still exists. The ways we reach out to each other. And a call to see the Blessing that is. The Blessing that truly and surely is .... ....
Clock ornament image by Finn Leahy.
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Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Fallen leaves -- Listen
I was drawn to the colouration of this leaf, interestingly so similar to some of the flowers that I captured in the Summertime. And yet, the flower and the leaf are from vastly different kinds of plants. And their colours are for really different purposes.
The Summer flower, beautifully yellow and orange and red, draws the attention of honey bees and insects that help pollinate. The leaf is this colour as it is letting go of what it once was; as it lets go of its capacity to photo synthesize. And the tree from which it comes shifts into winter mode, a time of waiting, of dormancy .... ....
I feel like this carries perhaps a message that I can take away about.... about what is beautiful and why ....
We often in our culture in particular, privilege youth as beauty — that time of Summer which is filled with passion and adventure and sunshine. And yet for myself, and so many people I know, if asked to name my favourite season I will often name Autumn. Most often. As much as I value and love each season as it comes, if I'm asked to choose I will say Autumn. Because there’s something about this time of year that draws me to attention or.... that just feels like new beginning in a way that Spring oddly doesn't even though Spring is the new beginning. But Autumn is the time when we prepare for darkness, for that season of emptiness, the bare branches.
Often in Autumn the sky continues to be brilliantly blue. But the days are cold and there’s frost on the lawn in the morning. And night comes early. When I am out walking in the Autumn .... I appreciate the colder air, I appreciate the Big Sky and the Sun in a different way.
Those trees have simply let go of the thing that they were. And that leaf which has fluttered to the ground, simply is held in that beautiful moment of dying to itself in order to continue the cycle of life that will surely emerge when Springtime comes again.
And I see those trees that have, as they do every year, simply let go of the thing that they were. And that leaf which has fluttered to the ground, simply is. Simply is held in that beautiful moment of dying to itself in order to continue the cycle of life that will surely emerge when Springtime comes again.
For now it calls us to pay attention to this moment. And to prepare for Winter.... prepare for the deeper darkness, the deeper silence, and the place where the stories of our Grandmothers and Grandfathers are held. And to listen, listen, listen .... ....
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Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Of Beauty
It's not just the sun that makes this image beautiful. It's the fog that had settled over the park in the early morning, and the trees that blocked the sun as it started to rise and burn off that mist.
We might wake up in a morning and see the fog outside the window and feel the grayness of that, feel the disappointment that the sun isn't shining in that moment. But sometimes if we wait and pay attention, we’ll see that that thing, that mist, that greyness is part of what ultimately will create beauty in that day, as it interacts with the sun and the trees, the grass. As we allow the world and the light to spread through.
But it's the combination that creates this effect. Not when the fog is all gone, not when the sun is high above the trees but this moment, when they all come together in an act of beauty ....
Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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“This is the first, wildest, and wisest thing I know, that the soul exists and that it is built entirely out of attentiveness.” ~Mary Oliver
Pandemic sent me into isolation away from my home, out of my neighbourhood and community. Although as a caregiver I am not by myself here, I often feel alone.
There have been moments when this has sent me scrolling through social media, drawn in to the often mundane-aity of what other people deem important to share, looking for gems of insight or connection until, in sudden awareness of passing time and drained energy I pull myself out. That’s what it actually feels like, that I have to take my arm and draw myself away.
I’ve learned that intentional solitary moments are when I feel least alone. When I create an altar, light a candle and draw in, everything shifts. I am companioned by Breath, by Self, by Presence and hours can go by. I come away from those times refreshed, renewed and often with helpful insight.
And my camera. My camera draws me into relationship with the world. Even before I put viewfinder to eye its presence in my hand focusses my attention. I am more aware of what’s going on around me, the play of the light, dynamics of interaction, the poetry that is everywhere. Sometimes I can capture that and sometimes it is for that moment only and not to be held electronically. It is held, none-the-less, as an encounter as nourishing as a chat with a friend or time with a mentor.
There have been moments when this has sent me scrolling through social media, drawn in to the often mundane-aity of what other people deem important to share, looking for gems of insight or connection until, in sudden awareness of passing time and drained energy I pull myself out. That’s what it actually feels like, that I have to take my arm and draw myself away.
I’ve learned that intentional solitary moments are when I feel least alone. When I create an altar, light a candle and draw in, everything shifts. I am companioned by Breath, by Self, by Presence and hours can go by. I come away from those times refreshed, renewed and often with helpful insight.
And my camera. My camera draws me into relationship with the world. Even before I put viewfinder to eye its presence in my hand focusses my attention. I am more aware of what’s going on around me, the play of the light, dynamics of interaction, the poetry that is everywhere. Sometimes I can capture that and sometimes it is for that moment only and not to be held electronically. It is held, none-the-less, as an encounter as nourishing as a chat with a friend or time with a mentor.
“I’ve learned that intentional solitary moments are when I feel least alone. I come away from those times refreshed, renewed and often with helpful insight. ”
Both of these activities have been curtailed with a broken foot. In meditation I prepare my altar on the floor and sit seiza1 which I cannot do right now. And walking the camera has become more challenging with one active leg and crutches. Somehow I’ve allowed this to prevent engagements which do not hinge on either. I could learn to meditate propped up on the bed. And the camera is as content in the yard as the beach; it is I who feels a need for what seems a more exciting location.
In the same way we’ve learned to adapt our interactions with each other, I can learn to adapt these ones. Although different than sharing a meal together, telephone and video calls and walks where we are further apart have kept us connected. Yesterday my longest held friends from the old neighbourhood gathered on video conferencing as we’ve done throughout pandemic. We each now live in different cities and generally have connected all together only once or possibly twice a year. Meeting on-line over the past 8 months has made us wonder why we never did that before.
Meditation draws me out by drawing me inward. Photography draws me in by calling me to engage outward. Both require intention and attention. And so I’m recommitting to these powerful acts of connection. I’m determined to let go of the things that are ultimately secondary and draw back to what is central, draw back to attention and simple connection.
1Seiza is kneeling on the floor with feet tucked under.
Join my Virtual Healing Circles Monday mornings at 9 a.m. and Thursday evenings at 7 p.m. pacific. Learn more at the Good Vibrations: the Energy of Resilience facebook page, check out the Healing link on this site or drop me a note by e-mail.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Nov12'20 give and receive
I’m watching the way that my right leg floats to the top of the bathwater even while my left leg rests gently on the bottom of the tub. This tells me that since I broke that bone in my foot, that this leg has .... lost perhaps some muscle and that the left leg has picked that up as it bears the weight of my whole body.
There was a time when those two things were switched. Twenty years ago when I had my left hip replaced it was the right leg that bore the weight for the whole body. And really before that it took a lot of the excess and even still I probably still use it a little bit more. It's also my dominant foot. So in this moment when I can put no weight on my right side, the left is doing something that it has never had to do before. Carry a whole load.
It’s just an interesting thing for me to think about how much that models just moments of life. Where sometimes we rely on something more than other times, when perhaps in a relationship or in a moment we are the one that bears the weight and in a moment we are the one that has to say I need you to help me. It’s a lesson that I learned both then and again, to say yes when people offer to help, to actually ask when people say let me know if there's anything I can do. A kind neighbor has picked up a few things at the drugstore for me. My dad took me to an appointment. And a friend who was coming to do a task in the house also picked me up from another appointment where I had cabbed to, and brought me back .... ....
Life is like that I guess, even in our whole selves we nurture children, we carry them and lift them and there may come a day like the one I'm living in where I am caring for my father-in-law .... .... There are moments when even as adults we turn back towards our parents looking for their comfort, their advice perhaps, or just their listening ear. And other times when we are the listening ear.
I don't know why in our culture it has become so hard to ask for help to, um, we seem to value the doers, the givers, without recognizing that it becomes both one sided and kind of .... I’m not sure what the word is but I'm thinking of patriarchal or .... When we will only offer and not receive, it's as if our offering is for us and not for the other. We .... become the great saviors of her own story the superhero. And in our cultural myth the superhero doesn't need to be rescued. And it's not even about rescue it's just about life. It's about give-and-take. It’s about offer and receive ....
I have to learn not to put weight on my right foot because it will heal if I don't put weight on it, if I don't further damage the break or misalign the bone. And if I do, because I refuse to consider that that foot doesn't work or that foot can't offer in this moment, then I risk damaging it and ultimately it will be out of commission for much longer.
And I think we're just the same. Learning the lessons, and I say this as someone who learns this lesson over and over and over.
And I am grateful, I have to say, for the people who patiently offer, say yes when I ask. Look at me in bemusement when I think I can do it myself. But are standing by for when I say, “Actually can you help me with this?”
Blessed be.
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Kimiko Karpoff - Ache
People often ask why someone would use drugs knowing the risk of the tainted drug supply.
I don't have an answer for that. But in this moment I have a bit of an understanding, perhaps. I'm feeling the ache of my own body in this time of isolation, this deep yearning that is almost an ache in my joints, in my bones, for human contact, for a skin-to-skin hug. To be able to smell the musk of another person. And if that opportunity arose for me right now would I take it even knowing the risks of how this virus spreads .... ?
We're in what they’re calling the 2nd wave of the pandemic right now when numbers are going up and our medical officers have said that the main cause of that is gatherings, celebrations mostly, weddings or funerals, Thanksgiving dinners. And someone looking on this time might wonder how it is that knowing the disease was out there people still gathered ....
And people gather because they long to be together. And they can tell themselves that it won’t be them, perhaps. Just like the addict doesn't know what may or may not be tainted in the drug supply. But their deep ache, their longing to not feel the pain .... Will make them take that risk. I think the deep ache and longing that people feel to be together right now even knowing that the gathering could be tainted that there could be a vector in the gathering. Because we don't know, we can't see it, we don't expect it ....
And maybe for me it's just as well that it's unlikely that the opportunity for such an intimate encounter will present itself, particularly when I'm here in isolation .... .... Because, as I say, if there was an opportunity for something to soothe that ache I would probably take it ....
